Fifty Shades of Grey: A Rant and A Review

First of all, if you’re in the Philippines right now, don’t bother seeing this movie in the cinemas. Censorship and cinema regulation is ridiculously silly, Japanese porn does a better job at blurring.

The Rant before the Review

What’s up with all the awkward blurring and screen-blocks when the films already got an R-18 rating? I don’t know about you but I think 18-year olds are already mature enough for a little bit of nekkidness, and not stupid enough to know that those sloppy black patches are crappy ways of covering up nudity. You know what, the soft edges of those black spots aren’t making things better.

I wouldn't be surprised if they also blur out Jamie Dornan's abs.

Way to go in ruining a film. I’m not saying that the movie would have probably been worth the hype without those god-forsaken black holes (coz they suck up all the fun) but c’mon, seeing Fifty Shades of Grey with a silly censorship like that is like asking for Mocha Frappe without the whipped cream.

 *Breathes deeply*...Okay now the actual Review

Anyways, with all the sloppy suppression aside, I personally felt slightly indifferent towards Fifty Shades of Grey considering the fact that it (supposedly) involves a lot of sex, nudity, and bondage. I don’t know if it’s because of the movie regulation here in the Philippines, but the film was actually much more tamed than I expected it to be.  With all the things I heard about the book really being some sort of soft porn, I was disappointed at how I didn’t see much of the hardcore sex that I heard the novel is teeming with. In fact I don’t think the sex scenes were very much different from the ones I see in those James Bond films. But then again, it could be because of the movie regulation…dammit how am I supposed to make a decent review if there’s so much that was held back?!

Sure, there were more than a few scenes with Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and  Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) banging in style, but the film was really like one huge exposition, introducing us to the dreamlike world of Mr. Grey, and explaining why he’s into those you know…extreme stuff.

"No honey, those are just my fingers"

Being originally a fan-fiction of Twilight, the film’s got Edward and Bella written all over it. Unnoticeable girl who’s got nothing special about her? Check. Dreamy, multi-talented rich guy who only exists in the imagination of hopeless romantics? Check. Peculiar family of the dreamy, multi-talented rich guy who surprisingly, are extra-welcoming of the unnoticeable girl? Check. This movie’s even got a friendzoned best guy buddy! The heck.

Yep, that's him. Poor guy.

I guess just like Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey appeals more to the hopeless romantic audience – getting its charm from a formula made up of modern day prince charmings (or vampires?), plain-looking damsels in distress that they can relate to, and finally a you-and-me-against-the-world love scenario.  The plot makes sure that the audience can see themselves in Anastasia Steele, and in Christian Grey see that impossible Knight in Shining Armor they’ve been daydreaming about, ready to save them from the monotony of real life. It’s a cheap trick really but hey, it works.

Of course, the Knight in Shining Armor has to be billionaire who rides a chopper to get home.

The censored version of Fifty Shades of Grey that I saw in the cinemas was a disaster, and kinda insulting actually if you try to think that the movie regulators thought that we’d be fine with the crappy job that they did. Much more than a more mature audience, I think what we need here in the Philippines is a more mature movie regulating body.

Credits to the images, videos, and materials  used in this post go to "Fifty Shades of Grey" and/or to their respective owners. .I do not own these materials. No copyright infringement intended.